Are You Making Decisions Based On Your Past Or Present?
I’ve been diving into all sorts of different learning these past few months and challenging myself to learn from other helpers and healers, not just other therapists. In order to be the most dynamic helper to the folks I work with, I feel it’s my role to also challenge myself to hear other voices and perspectives, especially when it comes to all things love.
I was watching a webinar by a woman who does energy healing through flower essences…(told you I was expanding my learning)….and she was sharing about this continual pattern we get stuck in of making decisions based on the past, not the present.
She said that if you carry a thread through the decisions you make in your life, it’s very likely that they’re all connected to the past, and you did it without even noticing.
And I couldn’t agree more. Because I see this happen in our love relationships all the time. When couples come into my Sacramento therapy office, they’re usually interacting and making decisions based on things that aren’t even relevant to their present day relationship.
And man do they get tripped up!
Because the truth is, if you’re not actively working to heal wounds from the past, you will absolutely, without a doubt, make decisions in the present based on wounds from the past. And the worst part…..you’ll do it without even meaning to.
For example, take a couple that’s struggled with infidelity, but they’ve never addressed the betrayal (because yes it’s big and scary to do so) but instead have made their best attempt to sweep it under the rug. When that happens, even though the injury is in the past….the pain isn’t and it begins to dictate the decisions you make in the present.
You decide you can’t trust, that you’re going to be hurt again and that every time you’re apart it has the potential to be another betrayal. So you then behave according to that decision, distrustful, guarded, fearful. And you’re likely doing this without even knowing you’re making these decisions.
And this can happen with smaller relationship wounds too. For example, sometimes when you ask for help, it isn’t prioritized by your mate in the way you think it should be. So you decide to just do everything yourself…sound familiar?
Making present day decisions based on the past forces you to put up walls, not build bridges.
So how do you correct this pattern? How do you stop letting the past pain affect your present decisions?
First, you have to acknowledge and get really curious about how this is occurring in your life. It would be naïve to say this doesn’t happen, so first you have to accept that unless you’ve actively healed and released these wounds, they will still play a role.
Secondly, you need to identify the back story behind the pain. The “if this, then” story. For example, if you ask for help and it’s not prioritized by the other person, do you tell yourself, “I can’t count on anyone, it’s always my responsibility to take care of things”. Or something to that effect? Be curious about the back story as it will give you a great deal of information about how your past is influencing your present.
Lastly, you have to be willing to face the pain of the past in order to not let it dictate your future and present. Acting like your past doesn’t influence you only keeps you stuck. Reach out for support and stop letting the past hurt dictate your present in love!
If you’re ready to take that next step, reach out so we can talk about how to step out of your past and into your present.
As always, I want to know what your journey in love and connection is like. It’s why I do this work. Send me an email, firstname.lastname@example.org or give me a call, 916.955.3200.