Are any of you into the crime shows? I feel like I was so into them at a point that I started spouting off legal info without even knowing it. One of my favorite terms was circumstantial evidence. You know, using conclusions connected together to create fact. There always seems to be great debate in crime shows about whether or not to use the circumstantial evidence to make an arrest, go to trial, look for a conviction, etc.
And although those shows are about courtroom dramas, we have a way of bringing that same chaos into our living rooms and our relationships.
I think it’s universal knowledge, but for the sake of this blog post, you lack objectivity in your relationships…we all do. We struggle to find perspective with anything we have a significant emotional connection to. Yet even knowing this, we try to find a way to work around it.
Because what you lack in objectivity you make up for in circumstantial evidence. You use assumptions, inferences and interpretations to create a whole batch of circumstantial evidence that you then operate on as if it’s fact.
And that is absolutely dangerous in love.
When you make decisions on what you think to be true you can get led down some very windy roads. It’s amazing to me when a couple sits down to explore an experience of disconnection or tension and they begin sharing the (incorrect) assumptions that were made and then acted upon.
“Well when you did this, I thought it meant this, so that’s why I said this”. You get the picture.
And you desperately need to find a way to slow down your quest for gathering circumstantial evidence in order to actually get to the truth. Slow down the assumptions and get more curious. Ask more questions. Because if you keep insisting you know what your partner is thinking or feeling without asking, you can find yourselves so disconnected from each other.
If you find yourself inserting information all over the place. If you’re the King or Queen of circumstantial evidence, I hope you reach out. It’s totally possible to learn how to create connection from honest curiosity.
If you need the support, please reach out, firstname.lastname@example.org or 916.955.3200, as I’m happy to help you learn to leave the courtroom dramas to the DVR.