Don’t Make It Worse!
I love my kids to bits, but some days they are lunatics (remember I say this with love). We’re deep in the parenting phase of “helping” them to become productive members of society. Seriously this is what it feels like!
One thing that seems to be rearing it’s ugly head is this phase of “not starting the issue, but equally contributing to making it worse”. Any of you out there with kids older than mine, please don’t message me and tell me this phase never goes away (only kidding).
But jokes aside, it’s a hard concept to teach 5 year olds. Yes, you may have not started it, but that doesn’t give you the right to dive in and make it worse. I’m finding my way with it mostly because it’s a concept I work on a lot with couples.
Often times, when couples come to my office, they’re stuck in a cycle of justifying their own behavior because they’re partner “started it”. And I don’t mean that in a dismissive way. It’s pretty common for folks to feel very justified in their actions or choices because they’re partner injured first.
And it takes some work to de-program that way of thinking. Because at times, I really do get it. When you’ve been hurt or really see your partner as being the one that caused the initial injury, you can feel very justified in your own equally bad response.
But the truth is, there’s never a clear “starter” in love. A relationship is a beautiful, messy and chaotic cyclical pattern of how you relate to each other. And the ways that you impact each other is different, not better or worse, not right or wrong…just different.
And it’s because of that universal truth, that you’re really never justified to injure “because they started it”. I know that can be hard to hear. Especially if the way you’ve been hurt in love has been so deep and so painful. But I promise it doesn’t justify you making it worse by wounding back.
If you find yourself hurting so bad that you can’t stop from striking back, please reach out. Your relationship can’t survive both of you firing counter attacks. Just because you’ve been hurt…just because you don’t think you started it…doesn’t mean you get to make it worse.
I’m here to help; firstname.lastname@example.org or 916.955.3200, so please don’t hesitate to reach out if I can be a resource. As I know how painful and destructive this place can be and I don’t want you stuck there any longer than necessary.
I’m here to help.