Working Towards Understanding
Over the years of being a couple’s therapist, I’ve come to realize that I’ve chosen a very interesting line of work. I feel blessed to have a job that I truly enjoy and humbled to have folks trust me enough to let me into the most intimate space of their life…their relationship.
One pattern that I see come up over and over again in the counseling room is this idea of agreement. It’s amazing to me how stuck folks can get trying to find a place of agreement. Simply put, love isn’t one of the places that we should be seeking agreement.
Now stick with me for a second. I believe you should agree on the naming of your children, on whether you decide to move to a new town and even on what you’re cooking for dinner most nights.
But seeking agreement in each other’s experience in the relationship….Nope, Idon’t believe in it.
I see couples that get so locked in to NEEDING to agree with their partner’s perspective, that they miss out on this amazing opportunity to really understand.
The truth is, you can fight every day of your relationship to try and agree with your partner’s stance and you’ll always be operating from a deficit. I promise you this. You can never truly “agree” with what your mate has experienced…because you’re not them. And when you get stuck trying to agree with it, you lose out on this amazing opportunity to create connection through understanding.
You see, when you seek understanding, you get to learn even more about your partner. You get to learn how they see the world, how your actions impact them and how you shape their experience through your own behavior.
And most importantly, you get to learn the greatest universal truth. That connection is truly created when you work towards understanding what life is like from your mate’s eyes.
I promise you this, connection is never created through agreeing whether your partner’s experience is right or wrong…it just isn’t.
And, if you’re finding yourself struggling with understanding or if you’re stuck in NEEDING to agree in order to understand, please reach out. I’d love to help you unlock this door in your relationship as it’s more powerful than you realize; firstname.lastname@example.org or 916.955.3200.
I can’t wait to chat soon.