Fighting for connection
Do you ever feel like you and your mate keep missing each other?
Like one of you is zigging while the other is zagging.
Do you ever feel like you’re both fighting for the same thing…closeness…connection…security, but going at it from opposing sides?
Well if you are, you’re not alone. In fact, in my Sacramento Therapy office, I see couples fight most often around connection, or lack there of. And the crazy thing is when you fight for connection, you often get really crappy results. You actually end up more disconnected than when you started.
Because when you’re fight for connection, you are doing just that…fighting. You aren’t calling out to your mate and saying “hey, I’m feeling disconnected and scared, can you please come close and reassure me that we’re alright”.
Instead you’re protesting the disconnection. You fight. You yell. You withdraw. You shut down. You go about searching for connection in the most ineffective ways. And it’s not that you meant to create distance, right? You were feeling alone, disconnected, sad and you did your best to create connection and now you’re left feeling worse off than when you started.
So how do we call out for connection effectively?
How do we reach for our mate and allow them to soothe and reassure us?
The answer is that we learn to reach for connection versus fight for connection.
We work hard to build safety and trust in our relationship, so if we’re feeling disconnected from our mate, we can reach for connection and be reassured and soothed in the ways we need.
Because when we reach for connection, we are reaching to know we belong. To know that we are safe. To know that we matter to the most important person in our life. And this is important stuff.
Honestly it’s the most important stuff in a relationship. To have a secure emotional connection. And the amazing thing is, once that emotional connection is there, all the other things fall into place. Sex, intimacy, trust, closeness, you know…the good stuff!
If this fits for you, I really encourage you to reach out. Maybe now is the time to start rebuilding the emotional connection in your relationship!
Maybe it’s time to stop fighting and start reaching.
Send me and email and let me know about the times you’ve fought for connection and how reaching would have worked better, firstname.lastname@example.org
And if you’re interested in learning more about Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), the amazing couples therapy that focused on restoring emotional connection, I highly recommend Sue Johnson’s book Love Sense. It’s really top notch. Or give me a call in my Sacramento Therapy office and I can answer your questions on how EFT could be the answer to restoring emotional connection in your relationship. 916.955.3200