Does Anger Make You Dependent On Others?

Does Anger Make You Dependent On Others?

Anger is truly a dynamic feeling. It’s one of those feelings that you’re regularly denying exists, stuffing it down til it boils over or struggling to let go.

What’s so fascinating about anger is the longer you hold onto it, the more dependent you become on the other person, and not in a good way.

Let me expand on this for a second. 

You see anger is considered a secondary feeling. That’s really a fancy way of saying that usually there’s a more vulnerable feeling lurking under the surface of our anger.  Sadness, rejection, betrayal, etc. 

Anger also serves as a great protective agent.  Putting it bluntly, the best thing about anger is.….it makes people back the f*ck up.  Right?  Getting angry gets us to a place of self-protection pretty quickly.  You get big and angry and people usually aren’t moving towards you to comfort you, they’re getting the hell out of your way.

But the problem is, you become dependent on another person when you hold onto anger because you give all of your power away and they become the one holding all of the cards.

Holding onto anger prevents you from ever being able to explore, identify or heal a more vulnerable feeling.

You begin to need your anger towards the other person as a way to protect yourself from feeling those more vulnerable feelings and actually soothing the source of the pain.

As crazy as this sounds, it starts to make sense.  You lose opportunity after opportunity to heal these wounded parts of yourself when you hold onto anger.

It’s almost like wearing a cast for too long. Yes, the cast protects you initially, just like anger does.  But if you wear a cast too long, your muscle becomes so weak underneath that you actually become dependent on that cast for protection in the future.  Again, just like holding onto anger.

And just think about the negative impact when this happens in our love relationship?  The implications are beyond toxic

Letting go of anger allows your wound to see the light of day and begin to heal.  Sharing your vulnerable feeling under anger also gives your mate the opportunity to soothe and make amends.

So what about you?  Have you grown dependent on your mate by holding onto anger.  Are you preventing yourself from healing and moving forward in love because of your anger?

If so, I really encourage you to reach out for support. There is nothing quite as toxic as holding onto anger in love.  And really nothing that creates such an unhealthy dependency.   

As always, I want to know what your journey in love and connection is like.   It’s why I do this work.  Send me an email, or give me a call, 916.955.3200.