If Something Is No Longer Serving You In Love.....Why Do You Keep Doing It?
Love is a crazy thing. I’ve been doing this work for over a decade and I’m still fascinated, intrigued and inspired by it. At times love can feel so simple and clear while the next it feels confusing and scary. Love pushes us to be honest, to be vulnerable, to be intimate, to forgive and to self-reflect. And friends, that’s not always the easiest thing.
One of the more intriguing things in love is this habit you get into of continuing a pattern or behavior, long after it’s served it’s purpose. Couples share with me all the time in my Sacramento therapy office about so desperately wanting things to be different, to change, to grow, but are so unsure or defeated of how to get it to change.
They share about how much they want it to be different, but being at a complete loss for what to do next.
Because if something is no longer serving you in love, why do you keep doing it?
The answer actually lies in how you ask the question. Because the automatic assumption is that this “something” (behavior, habit, pattern) is no longer serving you. But the truth is, the “something” is still serving you, just not in the ways you want it to be.
To change this, you actually have to get really clear of how it’s still serving you. For example, when you say you want to spend more alone time with your mate, but never schedule or prioritize it, how is that still serving you? Is it keeping you safe from being vulnerable? Is it helping you avoid intimacy?
Typically engaging in the behavior you say you want to change is keeping you safe or comfortable, despite your stated efforts of change.
Because change is uncomfortable, especially in love. And you can talk about change all day long, but it’s the “doing” of change that trips you up.
The first step in changing a love pattern that no longer serves you, is to identify how this pattern may be still serving you. Be honest with yourself.
Does the idea of change seem less scary then the action? What about this habit or behavior is actually still serving you? How is it keeping you safe? How is it keeping you comfortable?
Take some time and write this out. It’s amazing what couples can identify when they do this exercise together. It’s honest and real, and oh so transformative.
If you need a little guidance along the way, I’d love to help.
And most importantly, please let me know what your journey in love and connection is like. I’d love to hear. Send me an email, firstname.lastname@example.org or give me a call, 916.955.3200.