Couples Intensive

What's Driving Your Conflict?

Being stuck is probably one of the most common themes that appears in couple’s therapy.  And I’m not just talking about any sort of stuck.  I’m talking about the deep in the mud, tires spinning, someone call the tow truck, there is no way we’re getting out of here stuck. 

The really interesting thing is, the conflict that couples typically get stuck in isn’t even the real issue.  Stuck in miserable conflict that is a complete distraction from the real issues in the relationship. Sounds crazy, right? 

Love: Oil Change or Engine Rebuild?

You know that sticker on the upper left hand corner of your windshield…..the one that reminds you  to get your oil changed.  Well… do you use that sticker as a way to track your next date of service, or do you glance up every now and again, shout an “oh sh*t” and race to the nearest Jiffy Lube realizing you’re 5,000 miles overdue?

Funny enough, these two responses are really similar to how couples approach their relationships.  The oil change couples versus the engine rebuild couples. 

Let me explain….

More Than Words

Remember that Extreme song from the 80’s?  You know the rock ballad, More than Words?  It’s one of my all-time favorite songs and I don’t care if this ages me by writing this!  There is something about the lyrics that epitomizes the importance of our actions versus our words:

But if you only knew
How easy it would be to show me how you feel
More than words is all you have to do to make it real
Then you wouldn’t have to say that you love me
Cuz I’d already know

I'm Sorry, Sort Of...

I'm really sorry that I was a jerk, but you know what you did forced me to act that way, and in the future if you don't act like that, I won't either.

Have you ever received an apology like this? You know the one that starts with "I'm sorry" and ends with minimizing and justifying the actions that just occurred.

In a relationship? Interpreters Please Apply!

Do you ever have those moments in your relationship when you are talking about one thing and your mate is speaking a completely different language?  Well, as a relationship therapist I would like to say I’m immune to this marital woe, but here’s the truth…I’m not. 

Compromising or Being Compromised?!

I was having a really insightful conversation the other day with someone about relationships and how we are often preaching compromise as the solution to all conflict and problems and I was struck by something really startling in this conversation. The question that jumped out at my was how do we know if we are compromising or being compromised?