Decisions Made in Places of Pain = No Good

Decisions Made in Places of Pain = No Good

I love working on and in relationships. It’s amazingly rewarding work and there is nothing more humbling to see a couple grow back together right in front of your eyes.

And yet, when most couples reach out, they’re in a place of pain.  I’d love for my work to be much more preventative, but the reality is that most people come to couple’s therapy when they’re hurting. 

Hurting bad.

And they’re working to make really big decisions on the next step in their relationship. Do the work? Risk and learn to trust again? Call it quits? Start the healing process apart?

These are all individual and yet very different decisions. 

And they can’t be made from places of pain.

Sorry, they just can’t.

Because when you make giant decisions from places of pain, you end up making very biased decisions. Quite honestly when you’re hurting, you gather information to support and justify your pain.

Now this isn’t to say your pain isn’t justifiable just that the decisions you make from a place of pain end up being lopsided.  All that you see is the pain and it clouds your ability to look past anything but the intensity of the pain.

The first thing I want to say is, I’m sorry that you’re hurting so much.  I know it sucks and it’s hard and I’m just so sorry this is the place you’ve found yourself in. 

Second, the most important thing you can do right now is to slow down.  Because when you’re deep in it, pain is crazy. It really feels like it causes everything to speed up. Almost like you’ve entered warp speed and you can’t possibly think of slowing down because the idea of it just hurts too much. 

I realize the idea of slowing down can be really hard, especially when the pain is intense, but I promise you…you’ll be better for it. Getting your bearings and working to ground yourself will help you make better decisions on how to proceed forward in the healing process; whether it’s together or separate. 

Lastly, if you’re in this place, please don’t stay there alone. Reach out.  To friends. To family.  To a therapist. Those around you are there to help and it’s ok to reach out to them.  It will help to ground and ease some of the pain so you can make a better long term decision.  

Please don’t hesitate to reach out if I can be of support as you navigate the decisions you need to make, especially if you find yourself in a tremendous amount of pain, or 916.955.3200.

I’m here to help.